Difficult, Not Damaging, Conversations

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."

— Oscar Wilde

You are avoiding a conversation. Most leaders have one. Sometimes more.

You know the one I mean. The team member who keeps missing the mark but hasn’t heard the hard truth yet. The thing you keep wishing will fix itself.

That won’t do, and the longer you wait, the more complicated it gets for everyone involved.

A Moment Worth Paying Attention To

As a new Supervisor in the behavioral health world, it took time to build confidence as a leader and practitioner before I felt I was in a position to correct others. This would become a very hard lesson in leadership for me.

Early in my tenure, I noticed a team member who seemed to lack specificity in their documentation. It did not present as a big problem, but it was one that I was not comfortable with. When I sought to discuss the issue with them, I avoided addressing it because I felt I lacked expertise in organizational policy.

In human services, sometimes the unfortunate occurs. It did so with a client of this team member, and in the ensuing records review, the issues I had seen but not addressed were brought to light.  The issues did not contribute to the problems. I met with leadership to hear the assessment, and I knew it could have been changed, but I chose not to. Not a fun day.

The Avoidance Is the Problem

There are good reasons most leaders tend to avoid hard conversations. They don’t want to damage a relationship they’ve worked to create. They're not sure they can handle the emotional response on the other end, or really their own. And the timing is never quite right.

Avoidance always has a cost, but its often a quiet cost that grows slowly. Your team sees that. The person you need to talk to doesn't know there is a problem, which means the behavior continues, and you bear the burden of the unspoken conversation every time you walk past them in the hall.

Kim Scott, in her book "Radical Candor," frames aviodance like this: "avoiding a hard truth because you care about someone is not really caring, it's ruinous empathy. Not talking about a real problem isn't kindness; it's avoidance under a kinder name."

Prepare Before You Walk In

Take time before the conversation to be clear about two things: your intention and the specific behavior you need to address. Often times leaders are not prepared for the importance of their intent. If you walk in wanting to vent about what's been building for weeks, the conversation will likely go sideways quickly.

If you go in there really wanting to make things better for them and for the team, it shows in your voice. People can tell the difference.

When you look at the behavior, it's specific. Not 'your attitude has been a problem recently,' but 'last Tuesday in the team meeting, you interrupted a colleague three times while she was presenting. Respectful specifics. When the feedback is vague, people get confused and defensive, leaving them with nothing concrete to go on to make any changes.

The Conversation Itself

The structure that works is simple: situation, behavior, impact, way forward. The situation is: What behavior did you see? Share the impact it is having on the team or the work. Then ask together about the way forward.

That last bit matters. The purpose is not to sentence. It’s not about them; it's about solving something with them.

Begin with something that shows your intention. I want to talk through something I've noticed, and I'd like us to work through it together," hits differently than "We need to talk." One opens a door. The other tries somebody before they've said a word. Anticipate feelings on the other side. Be calm. Be curious. Don't rush in to fill the silence. Let them answer. Say what you have to say and listen more than you talk.

After the Conversation

Check in after the conversation and be authentic. The conversation doesn't end when you walk out the door, and a follow-up shows you meant what you said about wanting things to get better and being willing to help

On the other hand, if it didn't go the way you hoped, say so. 'I don't think that landed the way I wanted. 'Can we try again?' is not a weakness. It's the very thing that rebuilds trust after a hard conversation has left someone feeling raw.

Current research is unanimous on this truth: leaders who address difficult issues head-on, with authentic intent, develop more trust than those who shy away from conflict altogether. Both issues are noted by your team. They clearly notice when you address something, and also notice when you don't.

Try This Week

Name one conversation you've been dodging. Identify the exact behavior you want to change and explain why it's important. Write your first sentence, then schedule it. Ensure it is an actual date and time, not "soon or later."

Waiting won’t make the conversation any easier. But it’s going to get harder.

Reflection

What is the conversation you have been dodging, and what has the delay already cost the team?

What was your intention going into the last difficult conversation you had? Did that intention work out the way it worked out?

What would it look like to check in with someone after a hard conversation in a way that actually deepened the relationship?

Lace up your Boots and Go Lead

You've Got This!

Suggested Reading

Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill, 2002. The foundational text on navigating high-stakes conversations. Practical, research-grounded, and directly applicable to the kinds of conversations frontline leaders face every week.

Scott, Kim. Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity. St. Martin's Press, 2017. Scott's framework for caring personally while challenging directly is one of the most useful lenses for leaders trying to give honest feedback without damaging the relationship.

Stone, Douglas, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen.Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.Penguin Books, 2010. From the Harvard Negotiation Project. Breaks down why hard conversations go wrong and how to approach them in a way that preserves understanding and relationship